Help
Forums
Members
IBF Apps ˇ
Blogs
Gallery
Shoutbox
Members Map
Portal
Calendar
Quick Links ˇ
Todays Active Content
View New Content
The Rules
The Mods & Rockers
Compose New PM
Support Advertise Link
Contact Form
Got these on another forum, start the day with a smile!
********************************
My wife's an internet porn star.
She'll be furious when she finds out.
**************************
A married couple had been out shopping for most of the
afternoon. Suddenly the wife realised that her husband had
'disappeared'. The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone
and demanded, "Where the hell are you?"
He replies, "Darling do you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw
the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have
money that time and said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"
His wife, with a smile, blushing says, "Yes, I remember that, my
love."
"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to that shop."
***********************************
I have had to get rid of my guard dog. It was useless, and just let everyone and anything in. Turns out it was a UK border collie
******************************************
I phoned the Police the other day, the operator asked ' What's your emergency?'
I said ' There's 2 girls fighting over me'
' Ok ' she said ' Well what's the problem with that?'
I said ' The ugly one is winning '
*****************************************
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"Oh, I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, hugged and kissed me.
That night we had the most amazing ***** ever..........
Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before?
**************************
Son said to father, Dad I'm gay .Dad said to other son. What about you? Son said I'm gay too dad. Dad says b****r me doesn't anyone in this family like fanny? Daughter says, I do.
********************************
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
*****************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about3 seconds.'
I bought her some scales.
And then the fight started...
***********************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
***********************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
*****************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for £14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for £7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
************************
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started.....
*********************
Valkeire
This post has been edited by valkeire: 26 January 2012 - 01:13 AM
brill Arthur 
